Bottom’s UP!
Bottom's UP!
It has been eighteen months since my mother left her body. It has been two years since I have felt like I’ve had my footing. When she died, I lost my voice for three days and could barely speak. The grief sat in my chest and caused me to become ill. My therapist pointed out that the organism that birthed me had died~ of course my body would feel this.
Of course.
Nothing prepares a daughter for the death of her mother. Nothing.
I realize now that I had to geographically be the furthest from my mother to be closest to her before she died. I had to uproot my home to find HOME inside of me. I had to jump from her boat and her ocean to find my own~ a process I am still in. It has felt like I’ve been drowning for two years. I finally feel like I have hit the bottom of my ocean and I can now look up and see the light.
I am in no rush to leave this bottom. I must reorient my psyche and body to these waters. I must stay in this Underworld that I now know so well, with Grief as my guide. She commands my full attention and I will not run from this primal entity. Grief has held my hand through many losses and transitions, though I’ve tried to diminish her several times. The clock ticks on my own life differently, now. Patience~ and being a Wizard of my own timing, is what steers this ship. This is only the beginning.
In my grief, I have been able to birth some offerings that feel near and dear to my Heart. ‘In the meantime…’ as Iyanla Vanzant so eloquently wrote about, as I sit in stillness, silence, longing & loving, veins of creation have spurred out of me and bubbled to the top. While I sit at the bottom, looking around and eventually UP, join me while I swim in these new waters: