This Must Be Okay.
This must be okay because this is what’s happening.
I am recently separated from my partner of four years. To say that I didn’t expect this would be an understatement of the Century. I thought that he was my life partner. Is it true that I still hold a fantasy of ‘happily ever after?’ Perhaps it was this energy of a fairy tale that was stopping me from being present in the NOW.
I find myself responsible for so much here. I projected all of my loneliness and unfulfilled dreams onto him, and expected him to be my everything. This is a pattern of mine and he wouldn’t be the first partner I have done this too. I’ve been a spitfire in all of my relationships- holding a flame while pouring gasoline on an open wound. Memories of my childhood and my mother screaming at me to give her space while I pushed and pushed and pushed her to respond. I felt like I was never heard and no one cared for me. So, I picked partners to fight with me so we could make up and I would feel loved.
Oops, I did it again.
This time, I am so wrought with the grief of knowing what a good man he is and that I caused a lot of this to manifest that the first month I could barely speak to anyone without crying a river. He told me he couldn’t take much more of the fighting but I couldn’t let go of an old pattern that had become so familiar. Please call back and tell me that you love me, I thought to myself every time we fought. And then, one day, in the back of my mind I heard a voice say- one day he won’t come back.
That day has come.
When he said we should separate I sat in disbelief. This can’t be happening!!! I thought we would marry and have babies and travel and blah blah blah. So much living in the future that I forgot to love the present moment. And, here is the hard TRUTH- I also swept under the rug the places where I was feeling desperately empty.
I was born with a hole in my heart, and I often say that I feel like I have walked around trying to fill this space with everything and everyone. It wasn’t until the rug was pulled out from under me that I realized that only I can fill that empty space, and that, low and behold!, I am here for my own Divine purpose. Whether I am in a relationship or not, I still must fulfill my OWN SOUL’S PURPOSE.
I wish I saw this years ago.
Hindsight’s a bitch and I am now an expert in the should have’s. I welcome the wisdom that comes from loosing what I thought I was and knew. I just wish it didn’t come with so much pain.
There are other factors to be reckoned with regarding the last four+ years of my life. Things that must be unraveled, revealed and understood. I know that it takes two to participate in a relationship and this is NOT a piece about blame and shame- for either he nor I. This is about recognizing the places in myself that still need healing, understanding and forgiveness. The parts of my fragmented SELF that are desperately seeking Susan. And Susan being ME- my whole and complete and REMEMBERED self.
So, to get me through the days, the hours, the nights, the sadness that lies ahead, I say to my SELF over and over again:
This must be okay because this is what’s happening.
I do trust in the Divine timing of my life. Soon, I’ll see what’s on the other side of this.
AROOOOOOOOOOOO!
~Amy Jones